Stay.
There seems to be a lot about being a dad in that word, simple and blunt imperative that it is. When your four year-old says it to you as sleep begins to grip the edges of his consciousness and you turn out the lights to expose him again to whatever terror lurks in innocent shadows, it is hard to resist.
There are worse things to be asked in this world than to give up your time and the pleasure of your company, and yet it seems like stay is sometimes the hardest desire to please. Not in the big life-changing leave forever kind of way; I have no way to wrap my brain around that kind of not-stay. But, because it's just the little moments of stay when you have dishes to put away or a project waiting to be finished or a deadline to meet or just one more chapter, and you know that in the big and important sense you're always there, that short request is somehow easier to ignore.
Stay and play. Stay and protect. Stay and comfort. Finding ways to make that happen are too often a surprising struggle. I have no right to feel proud of myself the times I manage to make it work, and every reason to feel guilty when I can't. But, I am not looking forward to the days in the distant future when the shoe is on the other foot.
I just try to keep in mind that someday I'll be the one saying Stay, and he'll have better places to be.
1 comment:
They never tell you of the little sacrifices you have to make as a father when they're congratulating you on having a baby. I mean, you know they're coming. It makes sense that you have to sacrifice for the wee ones. Sometimes its easier than others. But I don't think it makes you less of a parent to acknowledge that.
When my daughter sometimes asks me to stay upstairs with her while she falls asleep, sometimes I can do it, other times I can't. I try no to let the guilt of the 'can't stay's get to me too much though.
Its funny. I remember a distinct moment in my childhood when I was about 10 when I asked my father to play catch with me. When he told me that he was too busy, I told him that these were the moments that he would look back on in his old age and regret not taking the time to throw the hardball around with his only son.
Didn't work. He still doesn't look back on that moment with regret. sigh...
Benticore
Out
Post a Comment